TO: All of the one true faith
SUBJECT: Further, um, ‘issues’
We are again experiencing some, shall we say, ‘unpleasant’ issues that may be affecting our eventual salvation. Ireland, now deaf Canadian kiddies? It’s been a spell just trying to keep up.
It’s not the fact that it happened, because we all know about it. Hell, I was there for most of it, but I can’t remember much due to the shocking Morphine monkey that was on my back. The 60s were a stone solid gas, man. I’d blame the last guy, but I’ve been in the pointy hat for the better part of five years now. Hey, in other good news, I finally got that awful ‘old Pope’ smell out of the Encyclical rumpus room. That guy ate a lot of pitted prunes.
The problem stems from the fact that despite all this being ‘our little secret’, the word keeps getting out there. I, for one, am sick to bleeding death (happy Easter, by the way) of having to hire PR guys to deny it all or cover it up. Can’t we all just keep our traps shut? What’s the point of having a cover-up if it keeps getting uncovered? Dang! Back in the day, in the old country, when I was a boy, the people running the place knew how to keep things quiet. Boy, I miss those days. The marching was awesome, and talk about impressive architecture! Good times.
Anyway, investigations into this issue are underway and we are sure it’s the work of perverted agitprop socialist Jewish pornographers, which is a ‘Websters’ way of saying ‘the media’. How’s about another Spanish inquisition to thin out their ranks? Just an idea.
In the meantime, I’ve been on the phone with Mel Gibson, who is planning a kind of old school publicity stunt to distract the fourth estate long enough for us to burn some more evidence. Mel’s a great guy, but he’s a bit bummed since the low returns came in for Edge of Darkness. This ought to give him a project for a while and he’ll be smiling like the maladjusted wafer monkey he used to be before you can say ‘body of Christ’.
Thank you for your ongoing patience with this matter. We’ll just see who’s laughing when the Rapture comes.
Yours in cahoots,
Pope Benedict XVI
Seat of Peter
Vatican City, Rome
